Terrible jokes.

What ho Bloggers!!

As no doubt you’ve noticed,I have had a long,drawn out,some would say a protracted absence from my bloggage. Allow me to explain. This has had to do with me not having a clue what to blog.  To make up for this catastrophic oversight on my part, here are some magnificently rib tickling jokes,wot i filched off my delightful,gorgeous,and  bum squeakingly funny wife.

What’s brown, steamy and comes out of Cowes backwards?
The Isle of Wight Ferry. Okay that was actually the correct punchline, but as it’s factual it has to stand as the correct answer. Indeed, it might have been construed by the typed question, since the word “cows” as many would have understood the spoken version was, in this text version, spelt “Cowes”, indicating the origin of the Ferry.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?
It would be fairly obvious. The weight of an adult elephant is around six to eight tons. If by some freak chance an elephant did manage to open the door of your fridge and try to enter it, the fridge would be incapable of bearing its weight, and it would show obvious signs of destruction that could only have been caused by a very large animal. Nearby droppings and footprints would also alert you to the exact nature of the intruder.

My dog has no nose. How does it smell?
Lacking any olfactory function would be a disadvantage for a dog, but it would make up for the loss of that sense in other ways, such as its eyes and ears. In the same way as blind dogs develop a heightened sense of touch and in fact instincts for movement, a nose-less dog could develop ways of detecting prey or other animals by using its other senses. Or perhaps, the Vet could replace the nose?

I took the wife to the West Indies for our holidays. D’you make her?
No, in fact she was keenly excited about the whole idea, as part of her family live out there; plus she took the opportunity to buy a whole new wardrobe of clothes for the occasion. As a result, it turned out to be much more expensive than I’d first imagined.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
In a recent study, 100 chickens were loosed on a busy main road. It was discovered that 87.3 percent of them ran away from the road rather than towards it; 5.1 percent were killed by oncoming traffic; 6.4 percent ran around in circles in a disoriented manner and only 1.2 percent made it across the road intact. It was concluded that the natural hesitation of a chicken to cross a road would prevent it from doing so in the overwhelming number of incidences. The example cited above, therefore, in anomalous.

What did the earwig say when he fell off the wall?
Due to my diminutive stature and the protective properties of my carapace, I assume there will be no bad effects from this accident.

An Englishman, an Irishmen and a Scotsman went into a pub…
But unfortunately it was National Stereotype Day, so they couldn’t get a drink. Because the Irishman couldn’t make himself understood, the Scotsman wouldn’t pay and the Englishman didn’t want to make a fuss about it. So they all went home again.

What’s black, white, and read all over?
Probably a book (if the paper that is used is in fact white, not cream or another light colour) or something like a newspaper, since magazines are often too colourful to answer the specifics of this question.

Doctor, doctor, every time I drink tea I get a sharp pain in my eye.
This could possibly be caused by a corneal infection in which the cornea can becomes inflamed or infected, maybe by repeated steam issuing from the teacup; another possibility is Blepharitis since that causes a sensation of grit in the eyes, and sometimes pain. If there seems no obvious problem, we will do a test for Optic Neuritis, but that would be a more serious matter involving a possible autoimmune condition. But I’ll write you a prescription for some painkillers. Come back in a week if you’re still experiencing symptoms.

 

After all, it’s for the little ones.

Sammy.

Brand new bike

Play station three & games

Selection box

Books

Louise.

Brand new roller skates

Nintendo Wii & games

My little pony colouring set

Books

Archie. (As yet unborn)

Levonorgestrel, a second generation synthetic progestogen

Ellaone,which prevents pregnancy by delaying or inhibiting ovulation and inhibiting follicle rupture.

Ladies. Don’t forget to stock up on the morning after pill over Christmas,after all, you may get a little worse for festive cheer,have unprotected sex with a stranger, and end up with a little Christmas gift you hadn’t bargained for. But not to worry eh? After all, your pharmacy will give you, free of charge,with no age checks,the way to kill your unborn, after all,Christmas is for the little ones.

Merry Christmas,One and all.

What ever happened to….

Hello Bloggers..Yes yes I know it’s been too long since my last  observation..What can I say,we’ve had the workmen in..The cat had whooping-cough and  my right shoe has been rubbing me something awful. Any road up, I’m sorry..No really I am. I wonder (as no doubt you do too) what ever happened to Al Gores polar bear. That forlorn yet majestic creature. The iconic photograph of him clinging desperately to the last sugar cube sized lump of arctic sea ice,before it all melts and plunges him into the drink.

Here he is, the poor little scamp.  In reality, this picture was fabricated, posed for and set up in a public Lido in  Weston Super Mare. This blog has obtained unique pictorial evidence of  Trevor( yes, the bear is called Trevor) and his family just off the Queen Elizabeth Islands,going about their slightly less  precarious day-to-day activities.

Notice the embarrassment of ice. Trevor has issued a brief statement ,through his legal team. it simply reads” I do feel such a fool”

How Guy Fawkes, the man who tried to murder a king and a government became a symbol of anti-capitalist protesters across the globe

 I have wanted to tell the story of a merchandised product, designed,packaged,marketed and adopted by the “occupy ” (insert city here) movement. Their unceasing  war on all things corrupt,capitalist,consumerist and down right manipulative in the world today. One product,humble as it may be has become the symbol of this noble struggle. Not freely distributed at no cost,but cleverly sold ,becoming the must have accessory for every would be crusader in every city in the world. Here though,the story has been told far more eloquently than I could ever tell it.
 
 

How Guy Fawkes, the man who tried to murder a king and a government became a symbol of anti-capitalist protesters across the globe

 

By Mike O’brien

Last updated at 12:24 PM on 6th November 2011

Saturday, November 5, is Guy Fawkes Day in Britain marking the day he tried to blow up Parliament.

It is also known as Bonfire Night, a celebration involving fireworks, bonfires and children having fun.

Four hundred years later Guy Fawkes’s face is now a global symbol of protest with the Occupy movement.

 
Vienna: Protesters take over the downtown area in Occupy Vienna on the global day of rage on October 15Vienna: Protesters take over the downtown area in Occupy Vienna on the global day of rage on October 15

In the last month alone, that devilish grin, moustache and thin goatee has shown up in Latin America, North America, Europe, South Korea and Hong Kong.

The mask has been adopted as the talisman for a new disaffected generation who are raging at corporate greed and increasing economic inequality.

The gains of the human rights movements of the 20th Century have been overshadowed, it seems, by the 99 per cent factor.

 
Sinister: Hugo Weaving as V in the movie adaptation of V For VendettaSinister: Hugo Weaving as V in the movie adaptation of V For Vendetta
Rome: A protester wears the mask on the back of his head during violent disturbances in RomeRome: A protester wears the mask on the back of his head during violent disturbances in Rome
Lisbon: A demonstrator at the Portuguese parliament on October 15Lisbon: A demonstrator at the Portuguese parliament on October 15
Frankfurt:
Seattle
 

Across the continents: Protesters don the masks in Frankfurt, Germany, and, right, Seattle

Berlin: Demonstrators in front of the German Reichstag on October 22Berlin: Demonstrators in front of the German Reichstag on October 22

The over-arching theme in all the protests worldwide is that one per cent hold all the wealth while the rest struggle to survive.

In the comic book series V For Vendetta, which started in 1982, and its 2006 film adaptation, the main character wore a Guy Fawkes mask.

In the comic and in the film, ‘V’ succeeds in blowing up the Houses of Parliament on 5 November.

Its film adaptation opening shows a dramatised depiction of Fawkes’s arrest and execution, against the backdrop of the first lines of the poem of Guy Fawkes Night: Remember, Remember, The Fifth of November.

In terms of protests, the mask first came to prominence in 2008 when members of the hacking group Anonymous showed up in various places wearing them, CNN reports.

Initially they wore them to hide their identities at protests against the Church of Scientology.

Now both groups – Anonymous and Occupy – have come together at St Paul’s Cathedral in London, camping in tents in support of the ’99 per cent.’

Even Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, the poster boy of hacking, wore one at a demonstration.

It is estimated that 100,000 masks were sold last year.
New York: The omni-present mask at the place where it all started, Zuccotti Park in Manhattan

New York: The omni-present mask at the place where it all started, Zuccotti Park in Manhattan

Frankfurt: A protester in front of the headquarters of the European Central Bank on October 18Frankfurt: A protester in front of the headquarters of the European Central Bank on October 18
London: Two women wear the masks outside St Paul's CathedralLondon: Two women wear the masks outside St Paul’s Cathedral
The original: The cover to the graphic novel V For VendettaThe original: The cover to the graphic novel V For Vendetta

The terrible irony is that the mask is a paid-for product, owned by a major corporation.

Time Warner owns the rights to the masks and with every mask sold more money is deposited into that corporation’s bank account.

The movement is working its way around that with replica masks.

According to CNN, replicas are now being mass produced in Asia.

 London protester Joshua Whitfield, 19, told CNN that instead of buying an officially licensed mask at a store in the city, he bought one considerably cheaper from an Anonymous member.

He said: ‘Some people wear it to make a fashion statement, others because they know what it’s about.

‘I thought I would show my support for the book and for Anonymous by picking up a mask and being part of the movement.’

Fellow protester and Anonymous member Malcolm said: ‘We don’t really want people putting money into corporate pockets, and this is one of our solutions.’

Asked why the mask is so popular, he said it’s because it has become ‘an international symbol for rebellion and anonymity.’

He also cited one, time-honoured observation. He said: ‘As they say – Guy Fawkes was the only man ever to enter Parliament with honest intentions.’

 
 
 
South Korea:
Mexico
 

The world covered: A demonstrator in Seoul, South Korea, and in Guadalajara in Mexico

 
 
Bucharest: A protester makes signs during Occupy Bucharest on October 15Bucharest: A protester makes signs during Occupy Bucharest on October 15
 
Oakland, California: Protesters on November 2 in the city where the police actions have galvanized the movementOakland, California: Protesters on November 2 in the city where the police actions have galvanized the movement
 
London: A masked group of school friends aged 11 and 12 pose at the Occupy London Stock Exchange protest camp London: A masked group of school friends aged 11 and 12 pose at the Occupy London Stock Exchange protest camp
 
Frankfurt: Demonstrators outside a branch of Commerzbank on October 29Frankfurt: Demonstrators outside a branch of Commerzbank on October 29
 
Los Angeles: Protesters pass through a tunnel during a march through the downtown financial districtLos Angeles: Protesters pass through a tunnel during a march through the downtown financial district
 
London: A show of solidarity at the Occupy London Stock Exchange protest on October 22London: A show of solidarity at the Occupy London Stock Exchange protest on October 22
 
Hong Kong: The movement stretched to Fat East on October 15Hong Kong: The movement stretched to Fat East on October 15
 

 

  

“I’d start buying shares in Time Warner Inc. “- Rory, Bangor, 6/11/2011 13:36 ….So – These masks are from a film?………. Are Time Warner sponsoring these protests then? – and advertsing their brand in the process? Well thats an unexpected turn then isnt it? Hypocrites!!!! … the anonymous protesters complaining about multi-nationals are wearing a multi-national brand to protest in !!!

>> Students with masks don’t speak for the 99%, IF they don’t move for the remembrance ceremonials I will personally be there to do as much as I can do remove them and i don’t care what I am called, You do not insult the glorious dead. – Gill, middlesbrough…………………. Didn’t our glorious dead die for our freedom? You may call them layabouts but they’re doing more to retrieve control over our nation than you or I are.

 

>> “movie is essentially an American liberals daydream of what they think a world run by neo-cons is like – it was never about that”. – PD, UK……………… The original, original, was written at the time of the Thatcher government by a Brit, and was actually about the people rising up to overthrow the perceived oppressive governement at the time. So actually it was about the neo-cons. The film was made against a backdrop of lieing politicians both side of the pond that many people felt we’d lost any kind of control of. Read the history of the story: it’s worth it. Having said that, I loved the film and only went back to read the story having seen it. Great to see it’s spawning a conciousness against manipulative, spinning, too-media-aware-for-their-own-good polititians and institutions.

– Ken, Scotland, 06/11/2011 14:46

If you remember the first mask that you saw was from the movie “Armadaus”

– Mark, Greenville USA, 06/11/2011 14:10

Click to rate     Rating   4

Just for the record, a little group you may have heard of called Anonymous wear these masks.

– Anonymoose, worcester, england, 06/11/2011 14:00

 

I laughed.

My dear lady wife did the artwork on this bit of tomfoolery  bloggers.  Thankyou m’dear.

The true victims of halloween.

If you, like me bloggers, dread halloween coming around, all that “candy” and all that dressing up tomfoolery, spare a thought for the real victims of this festival. Yes thats right, I speak of the innocents, the poor souls cajoled, coerced,manipulated and down right humiliated in the name of demonic fun. What I am about to reveal is not easy to see. You have been warned.

 

Grim isnt it Bloggers. One last thought.

Lost days. ( One of my own poems.)

As I walk into the house, same house as yesterday

I know it is different.

For today I am married.

I look at my hands, young, clumsy hands

Holding the hand of my love.

 

I walk in the house, same house as yesterday

But I know it’s different.

For today I have a new baby.

A new life, so small and wonderful and dependant.

I look at my hands, shaking, and unsure hands

Cradling my newborn daughter.

 

I walk into the house, same house as yesterday

But something’s different.

While working I missed first steps, first words, first teeth.

I look at my hands, strong working hands

Holding my head to cry.

 

I walk into the house, same house as yesterday

But I know something’s different.

For hanging onto my legs is a little girl,

“I’ve made this for you daddy at school”

I look at my hands, contented, proud hands,

Turning the pages of a bedtime storybook.

 

I walk into the house, same house as yesterday

But I know it’s different

No little children’s laughter, instead a woman, vibrant and young,

smiling as she prepares for a date

I look at my hands, older hands

Handing my daughter the keys to the car.

 

I walk into the house, same house as yesterday

But I know it’s different.

Hustle, bustle hurry and scurry, preparing to leave for my daughters wedding

I look at my hands, sad, happy proud hands

Giving the hand of my daughter to the man she loves.

 

I walk into the house, same house as yesterday

But I know it’s the same

Looking into the eyes of the lady beside me.

I look at my hands, old tired hands

Holding the hand of my love.

 

 

 

The end.

 

Previous Older Entries